I think of sexual attraction more as appetite, and sex drive being like hunger. So for aces with a sex drive it’s like you might be hungry but nothing ever looks good.
by @blazinaces ~ best analogy re asexuality w/ a libido I’ve heard yet, ty & well done!
(via feministingforchange)
noah fence but why are dyadic ace-exclusionists talking about intersex people “not wanting to be lgbt” when we’re not a hivemind and it’s an intracommunity issue with intersex people ourselves, which is a WHOLE different issue separate from ace discourse
i consider myself lgbtqia+ for being intersex, if another intersex person disagrees then this is an intersex intracommunity issue, and an entirely different discourse that should solely be made up of intersex people.
dyadic/perisex/non-intersex people need to stop bring up intersex people into ace discourse. ESPECIALLY if you’re trying to speak for us “as a community”. we’re all individual people with our own ideas of what it means to be LGBT(QIA+).
and please, for the love of christ, stop saying “the intersex community has said they don’t want to be lgbt” because i don’t remember being invited to a fucking intersex meeting where we all unanimously agreed to remove the I from LGBTQIA+. this is an intracommunity issue that non-intersex people should not be involved in.
As an intersex inclusionist, I could not agree more with OP. Pls, FTLOG, STOP speaking over us to use our intra community issues as tools for a gotchya. S T O P!!!!!!
It’s so irritating and insulting and invalidating to me to keep seeing all these people attacking demisexuality (while sometimes still embracing gray-asexuality, like, huh?!?!?) by saying that even IF asexuality is a real thing, demisexuality definitely isn’t. These bigots are so damn SURE it’s not real they make big long rants on their tumblr blogs claiming we all just need to stop pretending we’re special snowflakes or some jazz, unironically parroting anti-SJ jerkoffs.
But of course, none of them have a fucking clue and they’re just speaking OVER actual demisexuals like myself.
As I’ve explained NUMEROUS times, I do not experience primary sexual attraction (based on physical attraction). It’s just not something that happens for me. And this actually affects me all day every day because it’s highly related to the fact that I do not see people as sexual beings AT ALL. I don’t care how pretty, handsome, or how “sexy” they’re posing or their clothing is; people are Asexual to me. Kinda Disney-esque if you will.
I mean, I totally DO have a libido and i think it’s fairly normal in terms of it being “active,” but it just turns on at random. There’s no rhyme or reason for it, it just happens. And I almost never fantasize about people in sexual ways though (more on that later). When I masturbate, it is literally to the idea of disembodied parts because any faces that show up while I’m at it just shuts it all down so goddamn fast. It’s super disappointing tbh. And I have spent much of my young life asking myself why tf that happens, what’s wrong with me, am i broken, why am I not sexually attracted to people when it’s what everyone does/feels, etc etc
This is my life, this is how I see the world and it affects me constantly. I have what I like to call “ace moments” all the fucking time like when people talk about wanting sex with someone they don’t know, how hot someone is, who their celebrity crush is, what their “type” is physically, etc etc. There’s just so damn much about this world that I DO NOT GET because of my demisexuality.
Now, i bet you’re asking yourself why I don’t ID as fully ace if I don’t experience primary sexual attraction ever. WELL, there’s this thing called “secondary attraction” that most people also feel to varying degrees in conjunction with primary sexual attraction that is based on emotional connection/attraction. And do you know what? I didn’t even experience THAT until my most recent ex that I met at like 28. It’s liberating and wonderful to finally learn that I can have both, I just have to find the right person (this is not so easy).
Before that, I was never even emotionally sexually attracted to any of my BFs, I was just in love with them and wanted to be with them. And since I was taught that “sex is what you do when you are in love with someone, and if you have no sex life you are a broken social reject”, so I did it to make them happy and be “normal”.
But with my most recent ex, I actually really enjoyed it for the first time. He wasn’t particularly good at it or anything, I was just SO IN LOVE with him that I guess my libido and my emotional attraction kinda met in the middle? For the first time in my life I was horny on my own in a sexual situation and didn’t need “help” with physical stimulation to get there. I still never initiated or whatever (bc I don’t tend to do this), but I actually enjoyed it and I was mostly happy to do it whenever he wanted to. That’s unusual given my rather asexual history. For example, many of my exes have also complained over the years about my lack of interest in sex and that I never initiate (which some have even said was insulting/hurtful - which still makes me sad).
Anyway, demisexuality doesn’t just look one way, but this is definitely a small glimpse at what it’s like living as a demisexual. There’s so much more, but honestly, I have nothing to prove to the aphobes and this post is not FOR them.
I wrote this post for myself, my fellow demisexuals, aspecs in general, and other open minded followers/mutuals/whatever that might come across this. The fact is that allosexual/alloromantic people/society NEED(s) to understand that being aspec is so much more than just about the degree to which we do or do not experience sexual/romantic attraction, and it’s most certainly NOT about our sex lives or “TMI”.
As I said, this affects my life in incalculable ways and I would really appreciate it if people who DON’T experience this STOP speaking over us.
Anonymous asked:
forevrdreamingofbetterthings answered:
If you’d been following my blog at all or even bothered to peruse it a little before dropping this message in my inbox, you’d probably already know the answer to your question.
You’d ALSO probably know that there are bi and pan aspecs too (e.g., I’m panromantic demisexual) which isn’t “gay” (does this term also include lesbians?) so I feel like your ask erases part of my own identity and that of others in the community.
For these reasons and more, I’d bet money that you’re not here because you’re “curious”. You’re probably here because you figure this is how you’re gonna stop a “self-imposing” aspec from speaking up for herself.
Well guess what: That’s just hateful & sad.
Regardless though of your intentions, I’m here to say that there is in fact SYSTEMATIC oppression against aspecs. For example, Dr Gordon Hodson wrote this about his 2012 study:
In a recent investigation (MacInnis & Hodson, in press) we uncovered strikingly strong bias against asexuals in both university and community samples. Relative to heterosexuals, and even relative to homosexuals and bisexuals, heterosexuals: (a) expressed more negative attitudes toward asexuals (i.e., prejudice); (b) desired less contact with asexuals; and © were less willing to rent an apartment to (or hire) an asexual applicant (i.e., discrimination). Moreover, of all the sexual minority groups studied, asexuals were the most dehumanized (i.e., represented as “less human”). Intriguingly, heterosexuals dehumanized asexuals in two ways. Given their lack of sexual interest, widely considered a universal interest, it might not surprise you to learn that asexuals were characterized as “machine-like” (i.e., mechanistically dehumanized). But, oddly enough, asexuals were also seen as “animal-like” (i.e., animalistically dehumanized). Yes, asexuals were seen as relatively cold and emotionless and unrestrained, impulsive, and less sophisticated.
When you repeatedly observe such findings it grabs your attention as a prejudice researcher. But let’s go back a minute and consider those discrimination effects. Really? You’d not rent an apartment to an asexual man, or hire an asexual woman? Even if you relied on stereotypes alone, presumably such people would make ideal tenants and employees. We pondered whether this bias actually represents bias against single people, a recently uncovered and very real bias in its own right (see Psychology Today column by Bella DePaulo). But our statistical analyses ruled out this this possibility. So what’s going on here?
If you’ve been following my column, you’ll recall that I wrote a recent article on what I called the “Bigotry Bigot-Tree” – what psychologists refer to as generalized prejudice. Specifically, those disliking one social group (e.g., women) also tend to dislike other social groups (e.g., homosexuals; Asians). In our recent paper (MacInnis & Hodson, in press), we found that those who disliked homosexuals also disliked bisexuals and asexuals. In other words, these prejudices are correlated. Heterosexuals who dislike one sexual minority, therefore, also dislike other sexual minorities, even though some of these groups are characterized by their sexual interest and activity and others by their lack of sexual interest and activity.
This anti-asexual bias, at its core, seems to boil down to what Herek (2010) refers to as the “differences as deficit” model of sexual orientation. By deviating from the typical, average, or normal sexual interests, sexual minorities are considered substandard and thus easy targets for disdain and prejudice. Contrary to conventional folk wisdom, prejudice against sexual minorities may not therefore have much to do with sexual activity at all. There is even evidence, for instance, that religious fundamentalists are prejudiced against homosexuals even when they are celibate (Fulton et al., 1999). Together, such findings point to a bias against “others”, especially different others, who are seen as substandard and deficient (and literally “less human”). “Group X” is targeted for its lack of sexual interest even more than homosexuals and bisexuals are targeted for their same-sex interests.
From news coverage of a recently published study (2016):
What should the average person take away from your study?
Since I first became interested in the issue, I have come to conclude that U.S. society is both “sex negative” and “sex positive.” In other words, there is stigma and marginalization that can come both from being “too sexual” and from being “not sexual enough.” In a theoretical paper, I argued that sexuality may be compulsory in contemporary U.S. society. In other words, our society assumes that (almost) everyone is, at their core, “sexual” and there exists a great deal of social pressure to experience sexual desire, engage in sexual activities, and adopt a sexual identity. At the same time, various types of “non-sexuality” (such as a lack of sexual desire or activity) are stigmatized.
For this particular study, I identified thirty individuals who identified as asexual and asked them first, if they had experienced stigma or marginalization as a result of their asexuality, and, second how they challenged this stigma or marginalization. I found that my interviewees had experienced the following forms of marginalization: pathologization (i.e. people calling them sick), social isolation, unwanted sex and relationship conflict, and the denial of epistemic authority (i.e. people not believing that they didn’t experience sexual attraction). I also found that my interviews resisted stigma and marginalization in five ways: describing asexuality as simply a different (but not inherently worse) form of sexuality; deemphasizing the importance of sexuality in human life; developing new types of nonsexual relationships; coming to see asexuality as a sexual orientation or identity; and engaging in community building and outreach.
I hope that average people would take away from this study the idea that some people can lead fulfilling lives without experiencing sexual attraction but can experience distress if others try to invalidate their identities.
Some of the social isolation we aspecs experience comes from religious communities. Indeed, the popular myth that religious people revere aspecs is very much NOT TRUE. For example, read “Myth 8″ from the VISION Catholic Religious Vocation Guide:
MYTH 8: Religious are asexual
Question: What do you call a person who is asexual?
Answer: Not a person. Asexual people do not exist. Sexuality is a gift from God and thus a fundamental part of our human identity. Those who repress their sexuality are not living as God created them to be: fully alive and well. As such, they’re most likely unhappy.
All people are called by God to live chastely, meaning being respectful of the gift of their sexuality. Religious men and women vow celibate chastity, which means they live out their sexuality without engaging in sexual behavior. A vow of chastity does not mean one represses his manhood or her womanhood. Sexuality and the act of sex are two very different things. While people in religious life abstain from the act of sex, they do not become asexual beings, but rather need to be in touch with what it means to be a man or a woman. A vow of chastity also does not mean one will not have close, loving relationships with women and men. In fact, such relationships are a sign of living the vow in a healthy way. Living a religious vow of chastity is not always easy, but it can be a very beautiful expression of love for God and others.
Religious women and men aren’t oddities; they mirror the rest of the church they serve: there are introverts and extroverts, tall and short, old and young, straight and gay, obese and skinny, crass and pious, humorous and serious, and everything in between. They attempt to live the same primary vocation as all other Christians do: proclaiming and living the gospel. However, religious do this as members of an order that serve the church and world in a particular way. Like marriage and the single life, religious life can be wonderful, fulfilling, exciting, and, yes, normal. Yet, it also can be countercultural and positively challenging. It’s that for us and many others.
If you thought religious life was outdated, dysfunctional, or dead, we hope you can now look beyond the stereotypes and see the gift it is to the church and world.
NOTE: YOU CAN BE A GAY CATHOLIC PERSON BUT NOT ASEXUAL, BC ASEXUALITY DOESN’T EXIST (yet somehow we’re also “most likely unhappy” and “oddities”). I sincerely hope and believe that not all religions characterize us aspecs this way. But here are some personal accounts I found on a reddit site answering the question “Do any religions have a negative stance toward asexuals?”:
Please note that the Christian pastor in the last example was fearful (or something?) that an asexual was helping to lead a youth group and kicked them out of the church as a result.
Group X is a bullshit study and you know it
LOL what a strong argument, I’m so blown away.
But just as a reminder to my followers & anyone else that gives a shit, I’ve had THIS to say about the limitations of the study & their impacts on the validity of its findings:
As a phd student and criminologist (& cis, panromantic, demisexual), I would like to just provide a short-ish quote that explains fairly well how generalized prejudice works, and does in fact lead to aphobia:
Our findings are in keeping with Herek’s (2010) “differences as deficits” model of sexual orientation, where sexual minorities deviating from the norm are considered substandard and deserving of negativity by the majority. This model is gradually becoming less applicable to homosexuals and bisexuals with changes in societal norms (Herek, 2010), consistent with our findings that homosexuals (and in some cases bisexuals) were viewed as equally or more human than the heterosexual ingroup. However, we posit that asexuals fit well within the “differences as deficits” framework. Asexuals are the sexual minority that is most clearly considered “deficient” by heterosexuals. In keeping with this interpretation, themes relevant to maintaining the status quo and group dominance (RWA and SDO, respectively) proved consistently important in predicting antiasexual attitudes, whereas concerns with positive ingroup identity and religious fundamentalism were less uniquely important.
Although antiasexual bias is a clear component of sexual minority prejudice, it is also unique in that it was repeatedly stronger than bias toward other sexual minorities. Most disturbingly, asexuals are viewed as less human, especially lacking in terms of human nature. This confirms that sexual desire is considered a key component of human nature, and those lacking it are viewed as relatively deficient, less human, and disliked. It appears that asexuals do not “fit” the typical definition of human and as such are viewed as less human or even nonhuman, rendering them an extreme sexual orientation outgroup and very strong targets of bias. Future research can address the mechanisms underlying this tendency. [emphasis mine]
And while this study definitely has its problems (e.g., it compares asexuality & sapiosexuality and defines asexuality wrong, which i argue is more evidence of anti-ace bias bc society and those studying us can’t even get a handle on “what” we are…) it’s still important bc it shows us that there is in FACT a systematically enforced anti-ace bias. Bc if it wasn’t systemic it wouldn’t be an identifiable & measurable social pattern!!!
Plus, ppl willing to discriminate is literally a large part of how discrimination and oppression work. When people literally say how and why they would hypothetically discriminate against a whole category of “different” people, you need to take that clearly stated BIGOTRY seriously and stop talking down to & over us, and telling us to just shut up about it.
Bc this is REAL and we NEVER will.
#BoostAceVoices #BoostAroVoices
this is so important, people dont seem to realise that people who are prejudiced against one group are pretty much going to be more prejudiced against other groups as well. (tons and tons of research on this) the bigotry bigot tree lolll
also the dehumanisation aspect is extremely important because viewing other groups of people as less than human is directly related to hate crimes and systematic discrimination. Harris and Fiske (2006) found that images of certain social groups (such as homeless people) elicited reactions in areas of the brain associated with perception of objects rather than people, and I don’t know about you but I find that really scary. It would be interesting to see the results of an experiment like that specifically focusing on different sexualities.
Just a gentle reminder on this first day of pride month that calling an aspec “cishet” without their permission is aphobic since this erases their aspec ID(s) and reinforces heteronormativity not to mention it’s cissexist if they’re actually trans/nb/agender/etc 💜
^still relevant^
Anonymous asked:
forevrdreamingofbetterthings answered:
If you’d been following my blog at all or even bothered to peruse it a little before dropping this message in my inbox, you’d probably already know the answer to your question.
You’d ALSO probably know that there are bi and pan aspecs too (e.g., I’m panromantic demisexual) which isn’t “gay” (does this term also include lesbians?) so I feel like your ask erases part of my own identity and that of others in the community.
For these reasons and more, I’d bet money that you’re not here because you’re “curious”. You’re probably here because you figure this is how you’re gonna stop a “self-imposing” aspec from speaking up for herself.
Well guess what: That’s just hateful & sad.
Regardless though of your intentions, I’m here to say that there is in fact SYSTEMATIC oppression against aspecs. For example, Dr Gordon Hodson wrote this about his 2012 study:
In a recent investigation (MacInnis & Hodson, in press) we uncovered strikingly strong bias against asexuals in both university and community samples. Relative to heterosexuals, and even relative to homosexuals and bisexuals, heterosexuals: (a) expressed more negative attitudes toward asexuals (i.e., prejudice); (b) desired less contact with asexuals; and © were less willing to rent an apartment to (or hire) an asexual applicant (i.e., discrimination). Moreover, of all the sexual minority groups studied, asexuals were the most dehumanized (i.e., represented as “less human”). Intriguingly, heterosexuals dehumanized asexuals in two ways. Given their lack of sexual interest, widely considered a universal interest, it might not surprise you to learn that asexuals were characterized as “machine-like” (i.e., mechanistically dehumanized). But, oddly enough, asexuals were also seen as “animal-like” (i.e., animalistically dehumanized). Yes, asexuals were seen as relatively cold and emotionless and unrestrained, impulsive, and less sophisticated.
When you repeatedly observe such findings it grabs your attention as a prejudice researcher. But let’s go back a minute and consider those discrimination effects. Really? You’d not rent an apartment to an asexual man, or hire an asexual woman? Even if you relied on stereotypes alone, presumably such people would make ideal tenants and employees. We pondered whether this bias actually represents bias against single people, a recently uncovered and very real bias in its own right (see Psychology Today column by Bella DePaulo). But our statistical analyses ruled out this this possibility. So what’s going on here?
If you’ve been following my column, you’ll recall that I wrote a recent article on what I called the “Bigotry Bigot-Tree” – what psychologists refer to as generalized prejudice. Specifically, those disliking one social group (e.g., women) also tend to dislike other social groups (e.g., homosexuals; Asians). In our recent paper (MacInnis & Hodson, in press), we found that those who disliked homosexuals also disliked bisexuals and asexuals. In other words, these prejudices are correlated. Heterosexuals who dislike one sexual minority, therefore, also dislike other sexual minorities, even though some of these groups are characterized by their sexual interest and activity and others by their lack of sexual interest and activity.
This anti-asexual bias, at its core, seems to boil down to what Herek (2010) refers to as the “differences as deficit” model of sexual orientation. By deviating from the typical, average, or normal sexual interests, sexual minorities are considered substandard and thus easy targets for disdain and prejudice. Contrary to conventional folk wisdom, prejudice against sexual minorities may not therefore have much to do with sexual activity at all. There is even evidence, for instance, that religious fundamentalists are prejudiced against homosexuals even when they are celibate (Fulton et al., 1999). Together, such findings point to a bias against “others”, especially different others, who are seen as substandard and deficient (and literally “less human”). “Group X” is targeted for its lack of sexual interest even more than homosexuals and bisexuals are targeted for their same-sex interests.
From news coverage of a recently published study (2016):
What should the average person take away from your study?
Since I first became interested in the issue, I have come to conclude that U.S. society is both “sex negative” and “sex positive.” In other words, there is stigma and marginalization that can come both from being “too sexual” and from being “not sexual enough.” In a theoretical paper, I argued that sexuality may be compulsory in contemporary U.S. society. In other words, our society assumes that (almost) everyone is, at their core, “sexual” and there exists a great deal of social pressure to experience sexual desire, engage in sexual activities, and adopt a sexual identity. At the same time, various types of “non-sexuality” (such as a lack of sexual desire or activity) are stigmatized.
For this particular study, I identified thirty individuals who identified as asexual and asked them first, if they had experienced stigma or marginalization as a result of their asexuality, and, second how they challenged this stigma or marginalization. I found that my interviewees had experienced the following forms of marginalization: pathologization (i.e. people calling them sick), social isolation, unwanted sex and relationship conflict, and the denial of epistemic authority (i.e. people not believing that they didn’t experience sexual attraction). I also found that my interviews resisted stigma and marginalization in five ways: describing asexuality as simply a different (but not inherently worse) form of sexuality; deemphasizing the importance of sexuality in human life; developing new types of nonsexual relationships; coming to see asexuality as a sexual orientation or identity; and engaging in community building and outreach.
I hope that average people would take away from this study the idea that some people can lead fulfilling lives without experiencing sexual attraction but can experience distress if others try to invalidate their identities.
Some of the social isolation we aspecs experience comes from religious communities. Indeed, the popular myth that religious people revere aspecs is very much NOT TRUE. For example, read “Myth 8″ from the VISION Catholic Religious Vocation Guide:
MYTH 8: Religious are asexual
Question: What do you call a person who is asexual?
Answer: Not a person. Asexual people do not exist. Sexuality is a gift from God and thus a fundamental part of our human identity. Those who repress their sexuality are not living as God created them to be: fully alive and well. As such, they’re most likely unhappy.
All people are called by God to live chastely, meaning being respectful of the gift of their sexuality. Religious men and women vow celibate chastity, which means they live out their sexuality without engaging in sexual behavior. A vow of chastity does not mean one represses his manhood or her womanhood. Sexuality and the act of sex are two very different things. While people in religious life abstain from the act of sex, they do not become asexual beings, but rather need to be in touch with what it means to be a man or a woman. A vow of chastity also does not mean one will not have close, loving relationships with women and men. In fact, such relationships are a sign of living the vow in a healthy way. Living a religious vow of chastity is not always easy, but it can be a very beautiful expression of love for God and others.
Religious women and men aren’t oddities; they mirror the rest of the church they serve: there are introverts and extroverts, tall and short, old and young, straight and gay, obese and skinny, crass and pious, humorous and serious, and everything in between. They attempt to live the same primary vocation as all other Christians do: proclaiming and living the gospel. However, religious do this as members of an order that serve the church and world in a particular way. Like marriage and the single life, religious life can be wonderful, fulfilling, exciting, and, yes, normal. Yet, it also can be countercultural and positively challenging. It’s that for us and many others.
If you thought religious life was outdated, dysfunctional, or dead, we hope you can now look beyond the stereotypes and see the gift it is to the church and world.
NOTE: YOU CAN BE A GAY CATHOLIC PERSON BUT NOT ASEXUAL, BC ASEXUALITY DOESN’T EXIST (yet somehow we’re also “most likely unhappy” and “oddities”). I sincerely hope and believe that not all religions characterize us aspecs this way. But here are some personal accounts I found on a reddit site answering the question “Do any religions have a negative stance toward asexuals?”:
Please note that the Christian pastor in the last example was fearful (or something?) that an asexual was helping to lead a youth group and kicked them out of the church as a result.
Group X is a bullshit study and you know it
LOL what a strong argument, I’m so blown away.
But just as a reminder to my followers & anyone else that gives a shit, I’ve had THIS to say about the limitations of the study & their impacts on the validity of its findings:
As a phd student and criminologist (& cis, panromantic, demisexual), I would like to just provide a short-ish quote that explains fairly well how generalized prejudice works, and does in fact lead to aphobia:
Our findings are in keeping with Herek’s (2010) “differences as deficits” model of sexual orientation, where sexual minorities deviating from the norm are considered substandard and deserving of negativity by the majority. This model is gradually becoming less applicable to homosexuals and bisexuals with changes in societal norms (Herek, 2010), consistent with our findings that homosexuals (and in some cases bisexuals) were viewed as equally or more human than the heterosexual ingroup. However, we posit that asexuals fit well within the “differences as deficits” framework. Asexuals are the sexual minority that is most clearly considered “deficient” by heterosexuals. In keeping with this interpretation, themes relevant to maintaining the status quo and group dominance (RWA and SDO, respectively) proved consistently important in predicting antiasexual attitudes, whereas concerns with positive ingroup identity and religious fundamentalism were less uniquely important.
Although antiasexual bias is a clear component of sexual minority prejudice, it is also unique in that it was repeatedly stronger than bias toward other sexual minorities. Most disturbingly, asexuals are viewed as less human, especially lacking in terms of human nature. This confirms that sexual desire is considered a key component of human nature, and those lacking it are viewed as relatively deficient, less human, and disliked. It appears that asexuals do not “fit” the typical definition of human and as such are viewed as less human or even nonhuman, rendering them an extreme sexual orientation outgroup and very strong targets of bias. Future research can address the mechanisms underlying this tendency. [emphasis mine]
And while this study definitely has its problems (e.g., it compares asexuality & sapiosexuality and defines asexuality wrong, which i argue is more evidence of anti-ace bias bc society and those studying us can’t even get a handle on “what” we are…) it’s still important bc it shows us that there is in FACT a systematically enforced anti-ace bias. Bc if it wasn’t systemic it wouldn’t be an identifiable & measurable social pattern!!!
Plus, ppl willing to discriminate is literally a large part of how discrimination and oppression work. When people literally say how and why they would hypothetically discriminate against a whole category of “different” people, you need to take that clearly stated BIGOTRY seriously and stop talking down to & over us, and telling us to just shut up about it.
Bc this is REAL and we NEVER will.
#BoostAceVoices #BoostAroVoices
this is so important, people dont seem to realise that people who are prejudiced against one group are pretty much going to be more prejudiced against other groups as well. (tons and tons of research on this) the bigotry bigot tree lolll
also the dehumanisation aspect is extremely important because viewing other groups of people as less than human is directly related to hate crimes and systematic discrimination. Harris and Fiske (2006) found that images of certain social groups (such as homeless people) elicited reactions in areas of the brain associated with perception of objects rather than people, and I don’t know about you but I find that really scary. It would be interesting to see the results of an experiment like that specifically focusing on different sexualities.
It’s so irritating and insulting and invalidating to me to keep seeing all these people attacking demisexuality (while sometimes still embracing gray-asexuality, like, huh?!?!?) by saying that even IF asexuality is a real thing, demisexuality definitely isn’t. These bigots are so damn SURE it’s not real they make big long rants on their tumblr blogs claiming we all just need to stop pretending we’re special snowflakes or some jazz, unironically parroting anti-SJ jerkoffs.
But of course, none of them have a fucking clue and they’re just speaking OVER actual demisexuals like myself.
As I’ve explained NUMEROUS times, I do not experience primary sexual attraction (based on physical attraction). It’s just not something that happens for me. And this actually affects me all day every day because it’s highly related to the fact that I do not see people as sexual beings AT ALL. I don’t care how pretty, handsome, or how “sexy” they’re posing or their clothing is; people are Asexual to me. Kinda Disney-esque if you will.
I mean, I totally DO have a libido and i think it’s fairly normal in terms of it being “active,” but it just turns on at random. There’s no rhyme or reason for it, it just happens. And I almost never fantasize about people in sexual ways though (more on that later). When I masturbate, it is literally to the idea of disembodied parts because any faces that show up while I’m at it just shuts it all down so goddamn fast. It’s super disappointing tbh. And I have spent much of my young life asking myself why tf that happens, what’s wrong with me, am i broken, why am I not sexually attracted to people when it’s what everyone does/feels, etc etc
This is my life, this is how I see the world and it affects me constantly. I have what I like to call “ace moments” all the fucking time like when people talk about wanting sex with someone they don’t know, how hot someone is, who their celebrity crush is, what their “type” is physically, etc etc. There’s just so damn much about this world that I DO NOT GET because of my demisexuality.
Now, i bet you’re asking yourself why I don’t ID as fully ace if I don’t experience primary sexual attraction ever. WELL, there’s this thing called “secondary attraction” that most people also feel to varying degrees in conjunction with primary sexual attraction that is based on emotional connection/attraction. And do you know what? I didn’t even experience THAT until my most recent ex that I met at like 28. It’s liberating and wonderful to finally learn that I can have both, I just have to find the right person (this is not so easy).
Before that, I was never even emotionally sexually attracted to any of my BFs, I was just in love with them and wanted to be with them. And since I was taught that “sex is what you do when you are in love with someone, and if you have no sex life you are a broken social reject”, so I did it to make them happy and be “normal”.
But with my most recent ex, I actually really enjoyed it for the first time. He wasn’t particularly good at it or anything, I was just SO IN LOVE with him that I guess my libido and my emotional attraction kinda met in the middle? For the first time in my life I was horny on my own in a sexual situation and didn’t need “help” with physical stimulation to get there. I still never initiated or whatever (bc I don’t tend to do this), but I actually enjoyed it and I was mostly happy to do it whenever he wanted to. That’s unusual given my rather asexual history. For example, many of my exes have also complained over the years about my lack of interest in sex and that I never initiate (which some have even said was insulting/hurtful - which still makes me sad).
Anyway, demisexuality doesn’t just look one way, but this is definitely a small glimpse at what it’s like living as a demisexual. There’s so much more, but honestly, I have nothing to prove to the aphobes and this post is not FOR them.
I wrote this post for myself, my fellow demisexuals, aspecs in general, and other open minded followers/mutuals/whatever that might come across this. The fact is that allosexual/alloromantic people/society NEED(s) to understand that being aspec is so much more than just about the degree to which we do or do not experience sexual/romantic attraction, and it’s most certainly NOT about our sex lives or “TMI”.
As I said, this affects my life in incalculable ways and I would really appreciate it if people who DON’T experience this STOP speaking over us.
It’s so irritating and insulting and invalidating to me to keep seeing all these people attacking demisexuality (while sometimes still embracing gray-asexuality, like, huh?!?!?) by saying that even IF asexuality is a real thing, demisexuality definitely isn’t. These bigots are so damn SURE it’s not real they make big long rants on their tumblr blogs claiming we all just need to stop pretending we’re special snowflakes or some jazz, unironically parroting anti-SJ jerkoffs.
But of course, none of them have a fucking clue and they’re just speaking OVER actual demisexuals like myself.
As I’ve explained NUMEROUS times, I do not experience primary sexual attraction (based on physical attraction). It’s just not something that happens for me. And this actually affects me all day every day because it’s highly related to the fact that I do not see people as sexual beings AT ALL. I don’t care how pretty, handsome, or how “sexy” they’re posing or their clothing is; people are Asexual to me. Kinda Disney-esque if you will.
I mean, I totally DO have a libido and i think it’s fairly normal in terms of it being “active,” but it just turns on at random. There’s no rhyme or reason for it, it just happens. And I almost never fantasize about people in sexual ways though (more on that later). When I masturbate, it is literally to the idea of disembodied parts because any faces that show up while I’m at it just shuts it all down so goddamn fast. It’s super disappointing tbh. And I have spent much of my young life asking myself why tf that happens, what’s wrong with me, am i broken, why am I not sexually attracted to people when it’s what everyone does/feels, etc etc
This is my life, this is how I see the world and it affects me constantly. I have what I like to call “ace moments” all the fucking time like when people talk about wanting sex with someone they don’t know, how hot someone is, who their celebrity crush is, what their “type” is physically, etc etc. There’s just so damn much about this world that I DO NOT GET because of my demisexuality.
Now, i bet you’re asking yourself why I don’t ID as fully ace if I don’t experience primary sexual attraction ever. WELL, there’s this thing called “secondary attraction” that most people also feel to varying degrees in conjunction with primary sexual attraction that is based on emotional connection/attraction. And do you know what? I didn’t even experience THAT until my most recent ex that I met at like 28. It’s liberating and wonderful to finally learn that I can have both, I just have to find the right person (this is not so easy).
Before that, I was never even emotionally sexually attracted to any of my BFs, I was just in love with them and wanted to be with them. And since I was taught that “sex is what you do when you are in love with someone, and if you have no sex life you are a broken social reject”, so I did it to make them happy and be “normal”.
But with my most recent ex, I actually really enjoyed it for the first time. He wasn’t particularly good at it or anything, I was just SO IN LOVE with him that I guess my libido and my emotional attraction kinda met in the middle? For the first time in my life I was horny on my own in a sexual situation and didn’t need “help” with physical stimulation to get there. I still never initiated or whatever (bc I don’t tend to do this), but I actually enjoyed it and I was mostly happy to do it whenever he wanted to. That’s unusual given my rather asexual history. For example, many of my exes have also complained over the years about my lack of interest in sex and that I never initiate (which some have even said was insulting/hurtful - which still makes me sad).
Anyway, demisexuality doesn’t just look one way, but this is definitely a small glimpse at what it’s like living as a demisexual. There’s so much more, but honestly, I have nothing to prove to the aphobes and this post is not FOR them.
I wrote this post for myself, my fellow demisexuals, aspecs in general, and other open minded followers/mutuals/whatever that might come across this. The fact is that allosexual/alloromantic people/society NEED(s) to understand that being aspec is so much more than just about the degree to which we do or do not experience sexual/romantic attraction, and it’s most certainly NOT about our sex lives or “TMI”.
As I said, this affects my life in incalculable ways and I would really appreciate it if people who DON’T experience this STOP speaking over us.
Listen, the SAM is a wicked awesome thing that helps a lot of folks understand their romantic and sexual attractions better. BUT, as a card carrying aspec that uses the SAM, I want everyone to know that it’s super duper important that it not be applied to ppl who don’t use it on themselves. People don’t like this, largely bc they find it sexualizing. Whether or not you agree with that, their feelings should be respected 10000%.
This means that the SAM should NOT be your first assumption about a person when they tell you their orientation. The standard IS “no-SAM”, even if they tell you they’re aspec, and this isn’t aphobic or anything; it just makes good sense (since not all aspecs use the SAM) and is respectful of other ppl’s feelings.
You really can’t lose if you follow these rules. :)
IOW, they assume nothing about anyone’s sexuality or romantic life, they only assume a person does not ID on the ace or aro spectrum.
That’s it, that’s all, the end.
They harm literally no one.
#BoostAceVoices #BoostAroVoices
It’s so irritating and insulting and invalidating to me to keep seeing all these people attacking demisexuality (while sometimes still embracing gray-asexuality, like, huh?!?!?) by saying that even IF asexuality is a real thing, demisexuality definitely isn’t. These bigots are so damn SURE it’s not real they make big long rants on their tumblr blogs claiming we all just need to stop pretending we’re special snowflakes or some jazz, unironically parroting anti-SJ jerkoffs.
But of course, none of them have a fucking clue and they’re just speaking OVER actual demisexuals like myself.
As I’ve explained NUMEROUS times, I do not experience primary sexual attraction (based on physical attraction). It’s just not something that happens for me. And this actually affects me all day every day because it’s highly related to the fact that I do not see people as sexual beings AT ALL. I don’t care how pretty, handsome, or how “sexy” they’re posing or their clothing is; people are Asexual to me. Kinda Disney-esque if you will.
I mean, I totally DO have a libido and i think it’s fairly normal in terms of it being “active,” but it just turns on at random. There’s no rhyme or reason for it, it just happens. And I almost never fantasize about people in sexual ways though (more on that later). When I masturbate, it is literally to the idea of disembodied parts because any faces that show up while I’m at it just shuts it all down so goddamn fast. It’s super disappointing tbh. And I have spent much of my young life asking myself why tf that happens, what’s wrong with me, am i broken, why am I not sexually attracted to people when it’s what everyone does/feels, etc etc
This is my life, this is how I see the world and it affects me constantly. I have what I like to call “ace moments” all the fucking time like when people talk about wanting sex with someone they don’t know, how hot someone is, who their celebrity crush is, what their “type” is physically, etc etc. There’s just so damn much about this world that I DO NOT GET because of my demisexuality.
Now, i bet you’re asking yourself why I don’t ID as fully ace if I don’t experience primary sexual attraction ever. WELL, there’s this thing called “secondary attraction” that most people also feel to varying degrees in conjunction with primary sexual attraction that is based on emotional connection/attraction. And do you know what? I didn’t even experience THAT until my most recent ex that I met at like 28. It’s liberating and wonderful to finally learn that I can have both, I just have to find the right person (this is not so easy).
Before that, I was never even emotionally sexually attracted to any of my BFs, I was just in love with them and wanted to be with them. And since I was taught that “sex is what you do when you are in love with someone, and if you have no sex life you are a broken social reject”, so I did it to make them happy and be “normal”.
But with my most recent ex, I actually really enjoyed it for the first time. He wasn’t particularly good at it or anything, I was just SO IN LOVE with him that I guess my libido and my emotional attraction kinda met in the middle? For the first time in my life I was horny on my own in a sexual situation and didn’t need “help” with physical stimulation to get there. I still never initiated or whatever (bc I don’t tend to do this), but I actually enjoyed it and I was mostly happy to do it whenever he wanted to. That’s unusual given my rather asexual history. For example, many of my exes have also complained over the years about my lack of interest in sex and that I never initiate (which some have even said was insulting/hurtful - which still makes me sad).
Anyway, demisexuality doesn’t just look one way, but this is definitely a small glimpse at what it’s like living as a demisexual. There’s so much more, but honestly, I have nothing to prove to the aphobes and this post is not FOR them.
I wrote this post for myself, my fellow demisexuals, aspecs in general, and other open minded followers/mutuals/whatever that might come across this. The fact is that allosexual/alloromantic people/society NEED(s) to understand that being aspec is so much more than just about the degree to which we do or do not experience sexual/romantic attraction, and it’s most certainly NOT about our sex lives or “TMI”.
As I said, this affects my life in incalculable ways and I would really appreciate it if people who DON’T experience this STOP speaking over us.
Anonymous asked:
forevrdreamingofbetterthings answered:
*sighs* I really do appreciate that you meant well with this ask, but can I ask…. why do you think feminism/activism should always be entertaining and non-bummer-ish?
Bc I have very bad news for you Anon :(
Sometimes feminism/activism is grueling and terrible and shitty as hell. And right now my blog and I have been devoted largely to helping ALL aspecs feel included, valued, and loved.
Bc the “””discourse””” is meant to take exactly that away from us, and there are WAYYYYY too many aspec/questioning youngns out there having to have their humanity FURTHER questioned and their lives threatened/suicide baited and other things (like being told asexuality is 18+, inappropriate for sex-ed, & TMI) by people we generally expect with accept us, unlike the rest of society that def doesn’t (on & offline!).
So yeah, I’m involved and that’s not likely to stop (although my involvement will fluctuate over time) bc I care about these kids, other aspecs, & our allies. I also care about the super young exclusionists who are being fed horribly bigoted lies and need/deserve a better education.
If you don’t like that, you know where that unfollow button is.
#BoostAceVoices
It’s so irritating and insulting and invalidating to me to keep seeing all these people attacking demisexuality (while sometimes still embracing gray-asexuality, like, huh?!?!?) by saying that even IF asexuality is a real thing, demisexuality definitely isn’t. These bigots are so damn SURE it’s not real they make big long rants on their tumblr blogs claiming we all just need to stop pretending we’re special snowflakes or some jazz, unironically parroting anti-SJ jerkoffs.
But of course, none of them have a fucking clue and they’re just speaking OVER actual demisexuals like myself.
As I’ve explained NUMEROUS times, I do not experience primary sexual attraction (based on physical attraction). It’s just not something that happens for me. And this actually affects me all day every day because it’s highly related to the fact that I do not see people as sexual beings AT ALL. I don’t care how pretty, handsome, or how “sexy” they’re posing or their clothing is; people are Asexual to me. Kinda Disney-esque if you will.
I mean, I totally DO have a libido and i think it’s fairly normal in terms of it being “active,” but it just turns on at random. There’s no rhyme or reason for it, it just happens. And I almost never fantasize about people in sexual ways though (more on that later). When I masturbate, it is literally to the idea of disembodied parts because any faces that show up while I’m at it just shuts it all down so goddamn fast. It’s super disappointing tbh. And I have spent much of my young life asking myself why tf that happens, what’s wrong with me, am i broken, why am I not sexually attracted to people when it’s what everyone does/feels, etc etc
This is my life, this is how I see the world and it affects me constantly. I have what I like to call “ace moments” all the fucking time like when people talk about wanting sex with someone they don’t know, how hot someone is, who their celebrity crush is, what their “type” is physically, etc etc. There’s just so damn much about this world that I DO NOT GET because of my demisexuality.
Now, i bet you’re asking yourself why I don’t ID as fully ace if I don’t experience primary sexual attraction ever. WELL, there’s this thing called “secondary attraction” that most people also feel to varying degrees in conjunction with primary sexual attraction that is based on emotional connection/attraction. And do you know what? I didn’t even experience THAT until my most recent ex that I met at like 28. It’s liberating and wonderful to finally learn that I can have both, I just have to find the right person (this is not so easy).
Before that, I was never even emotionally sexually attracted to any of my BFs, I was just in love with them and wanted to be with them. And since I was taught that “sex is what you do when you are in love with someone, and if you have no sex life you are a broken social reject”, so I did it to make them happy and be “normal”.
But with my most recent ex, I actually really enjoyed it for the first time. He wasn’t particularly good at it or anything, I was just SO IN LOVE with him that I guess my libido and my emotional attraction kinda met in the middle? For the first time in my life I was horny on my own in a sexual situation and didn’t need “help” with physical stimulation to get there. I still never initiated or whatever (bc I don’t tend to do this), but I actually enjoyed it and I was mostly happy to do it whenever he wanted to. That’s unusual given my rather asexual history. For example, many of my exes have also complained over the years about my lack of interest in sex and that I never initiate (which some have even said was insulting/hurtful - which still makes me sad).
Anyway, demisexuality doesn’t just look one way, but this is definitely a small glimpse at what it’s like living as a demisexual. There’s so much more, but honestly, I have nothing to prove to the aphobes and this post is not FOR them.
I wrote this post for myself, my fellow demisexuals, aspecs in general, and other open minded followers/mutuals/whatever that might come across this. The fact is that allosexual/alloromantic people/society NEED(s) to understand that being aspec is so much more than just about the degree to which we do or do not experience sexual/romantic attraction, and it’s most certainly NOT about our sex lives or “TMI”.
As I said, this affects my life in incalculable ways and I would really appreciate it if people who DON’T experience this STOP speaking over us.
It’s so irritating and insulting and invalidating to me to keep seeing all these people attacking demisexuality (while sometimes still embracing gray-asexuality, like, huh?!?!?) by saying that even IF asexuality is a real thing, demisexuality definitely isn’t. These bigots are so damn SURE it’s not real they make big long rants on their tumblr blogs claiming we all just need to stop pretending we’re special snowflakes or some jazz, unironically parroting anti-SJ jerkoffs.
But of course, none of them have a fucking clue and they’re just speaking OVER actual demisexuals like myself.
As I’ve explained NUMEROUS times, I do not experience primary sexual attraction (based on physical attraction). It’s just not something that happens for me. And this actually affects me all day every day because it’s highly related to the fact that I do not see people as sexual beings AT ALL. I don’t care how pretty, handsome, or how “sexy” they’re posing or their clothing is; people are Asexual to me. Kinda Disney-esque if you will.
I mean, I totally DO have a libido and i think it’s fairly normal in terms of it being “active,” but it just turns on at random. There’s no rhyme or reason for it, it just happens. And I almost never fantasize about people in sexual ways though (more on that later). When I masturbate, it is literally to the idea of disembodied parts because any faces that show up while I’m at it just shuts it all down so goddamn fast. It’s super disappointing tbh. And I have spent much of my young life asking myself why tf that happens, what’s wrong with me, am i broken, why am I not sexually attracted to people when it’s what everyone does/feels, etc etc
This is my life, this is how I see the world and it affects me constantly. I have what I like to call “ace moments” all the fucking time like when people talk about wanting sex with someone they don’t know, how hot someone is, who their celebrity crush is, what their “type” is physically, etc etc. There’s just so damn much about this world that I DO NOT GET because of my demisexuality.
Now, i bet you’re asking yourself why I don’t ID as fully ace if I don’t experience primary sexual attraction ever. WELL, there’s this thing called “secondary attraction” that most people also feel to varying degrees in conjunction with primary sexual attraction that is based on emotional connection/attraction. And do you know what? I didn’t even experience THAT until my most recent ex that I met at like 28. It’s liberating and wonderful to finally learn that I can have both, I just have to find the right person (this is not so easy).
Before that, I was never even emotionally sexually attracted to any of my BFs, I was just in love with them and wanted to be with them. And since I was taught that “sex is what you do when you are in love with someone, and if you have no sex life you are a broken social reject”, so I did it to make them happy and be “normal”.
But with my most recent ex, I actually really enjoyed it for the first time. He wasn’t particularly good at it or anything, I was just SO IN LOVE with him that I guess my libido and my emotional attraction kinda met in the middle? For the first time in my life I was horny on my own in a sexual situation and didn’t need “help” with physical stimulation to get there. I still never initiated or whatever (bc I don’t tend to do this), but I actually enjoyed it and I was mostly happy to do it whenever he wanted to. That’s unusual given my rather asexual history. For example, many of my exes have also complained over the years about my lack of interest in sex and that I never initiate (which some have even said was insulting/hurtful - which still makes me sad).
Anyway, demisexuality doesn’t just look one way, but this is definitely a small glimpse at what it’s like living as a demisexual. There’s so much more, but honestly, I have nothing to prove to the aphobes and this post is not FOR them.
I wrote this post for myself, my fellow demisexuals, aspecs in general, and other open minded followers/mutuals/whatever that might come across this. The fact is that allosexual/alloromantic people/society NEED(s) to understand that being aspec is so much more than just about the degree to which we do or do not experience sexual/romantic attraction, and it’s most certainly NOT about our sex lives or “TMI”.
As I said, this affects my life in incalculable ways and I would really appreciate it if people who DON’T experience this STOP speaking over us.
